Funny Clean Animal Jokes

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."

The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

Funny Clean Animal Jokes

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."

The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

Clean Medical Jokes

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "May I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty.

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a kleptomaniac.

Doctor: Don't worry. I think there's something you can take for that.

Clean Medical Jokes

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "May I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty.

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a kleptomaniac.

Doctor: Don't worry. I think there's something you can take for that.

Short funny jokes on Dogs

Man: I want to buy this dog. Do you think it will be faithful?

Dog dealer: Oh, yes! Every time I sell it, it comes back to me by the end of the week.

Question: What does a lazy dog chase?

Answer: A parked car.

A lady was walking his dog in the park...

Stranger: Hey, that's a lovely bulldog you've got there!

Lady: No, it's not a bulldog – it was chasing a cat and ran into a wall..!

Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?

A: He was trying to make both ends meet..!

Short funny jokes on Dogs

Man: I want to buy this dog. Do you think it will be faithful?

Dog dealer: Oh, yes! Every time I sell it, it comes back to me by the end of the week.

Question: What does a lazy dog chase?

Answer: A parked car.

A lady was walking his dog in the park...

Stranger: Hey, that's a lovely bulldog you've got there!

Lady: No, it's not a bulldog – it was chasing a cat and ran into a wall..!

Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?

A: He was trying to make both ends meet..!

Short jokes on Marriage

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted' . Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

A man is almost about to die

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"

Getting revenge with marriage

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."

Johnson: "But I want you to."

Wife: "But why?"

Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

Short jokes on Marriage

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted' . Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

A man is almost about to die

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"

Getting revenge with marriage

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."

Johnson: "But I want you to."

Wife: "But why?"

Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

Too Short and Funny Jokes

Wife : Do you want dinner?

Husband : Sure, what are my choices?

Wife : Yes and no.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.

Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Too Short and Funny Jokes

Wife : Do you want dinner?

Husband : Sure, what are my choices?

Wife : Yes and no.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.

Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Pets are better than kids

Some reasons here, but do not take it so seriously.. Pets are better than children because they:

• Eat less.
• Usually come when called.
• Are easier to train.
• Don't ask for money all the time.
• Don't drink or smoke.
• Don't hang out with friends who use drugs.
• Never ask to drive the car.
• Don't have to have the latest fashions.
• Don't want to wear your clothes.
• Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
• If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

> For funny jokes

Pets are better than kids

Some reasons here, but do not take it so seriously.. Pets are better than children because they:

• Eat less.
• Usually come when called.
• Are easier to train.
• Don't ask for money all the time.
• Don't drink or smoke.
• Don't hang out with friends who use drugs.
• Never ask to drive the car.
• Don't have to have the latest fashions.
• Don't want to wear your clothes.
• Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
• If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

> For funny jokes

Funny SMS jokes about exams

Newton's latest law:

To every twist in the question paper,there is an equal and opposite twist in the ans given by the students!!

Students policy:

1 week before the exam v refer-
Foreign author

1 day before exam v refer
Local author

On the day of the exam
WE are the authors...!

Prayer:
What's the difference between people who pray in Temples and people who pray in the Exam Centres?

Those in the exam centres are damn serious.

Funny SMS jokes about exams

Newton's latest law:

To every twist in the question paper,there is an equal and opposite twist in the ans given by the students!!

Students policy:

1 week before the exam v refer-
Foreign author

1 day before exam v refer
Local author

On the day of the exam
WE are the authors...!

Prayer:
What's the difference between people who pray in Temples and people who pray in the Exam Centres?

Those in the exam centres are damn serious.

Silly Q/A jokes for kids

What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A dinosnore!

If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make?
Slippers!

Why did cavemen draw pictures of hippopotamuses and rhinoceroses on their walls?
Because they couldn't spell their names!

What is a volcano?
A mountain with hiccups!

How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter!

What is the fruitiest lesson?
History, because it's full of dates!

What language do they speak in Cuba?
Cubic!

Why doesn't the sea spill over the earth?
Because it's tied!

What kind of fish can't swim?
Dead ones!

What happened when the wheel was invented?
It caused a revolution!

Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?
Because if he lifted up both legs he would fall over!

Silly Q/A jokes for kids

What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A dinosnore!

If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make?
Slippers!

Why did cavemen draw pictures of hippopotamuses and rhinoceroses on their walls?
Because they couldn't spell their names!

What is a volcano?
A mountain with hiccups!

How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter!

What is the fruitiest lesson?
History, because it's full of dates!

What language do they speak in Cuba?
Cubic!

Why doesn't the sea spill over the earth?
Because it's tied!

What kind of fish can't swim?
Dead ones!

What happened when the wheel was invented?
It caused a revolution!

Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?
Because if he lifted up both legs he would fall over!

The Rabbit and The Butcher

One day a rabbit walked into the butcher's shop and asked the butcher, 'Do you have any carrots?'

The butcher replied, 'No, I'm sorry, sir, but this is a butchers' shop. We don't sell vegetables in here. Go to the greengrocer at the other end of the street. I'm sure he's got some carrots.'
The rabbit thanked the butcher and left the shop.

The next day the rabbit went into the butcher's shop again.
'Good morning! I'd like a lettuce and some carrots, please.'
'Look, I'm sorry, sir! I told you yesterday - we don't sell any vegetables in here, only meat.'
'OK, I see,' said the rabbit and left the shop.

On the third day, the rabbit walked into the shop again and said,
'Hello, could you give me some carrots and a cabbage, please?'
This time the butcher was very angry.
'I told you yesterday and the day before. We don't sell any vegetables in here. No carrots, no lettuce, no cabbage and no onions. Do you understand? The next time you come in here and ask for vegetables, I'm going to take a hammer and I'm going to nail your ears to the floor!'

The next day, the rabbit was in the butcher's shop again.
'Good morning!' he said. 'Do have any nails?'
'No,' said the butcher, 'I don't have any nails.'
'Do you have a hammer?' asked the rabbit.
'No, I don't,' the butcher replied.
'Good,' said the rabbit, 'Then can I have some carrots, please?'

The Rabbit and The Butcher

One day a rabbit walked into the butcher's shop and asked the butcher, 'Do you have any carrots?'

The butcher replied, 'No, I'm sorry, sir, but this is a butchers' shop. We don't sell vegetables in here. Go to the greengrocer at the other end of the street. I'm sure he's got some carrots.'
The rabbit thanked the butcher and left the shop.

The next day the rabbit went into the butcher's shop again.
'Good morning! I'd like a lettuce and some carrots, please.'
'Look, I'm sorry, sir! I told you yesterday - we don't sell any vegetables in here, only meat.'
'OK, I see,' said the rabbit and left the shop.

On the third day, the rabbit walked into the shop again and said,
'Hello, could you give me some carrots and a cabbage, please?'
This time the butcher was very angry.
'I told you yesterday and the day before. We don't sell any vegetables in here. No carrots, no lettuce, no cabbage and no onions. Do you understand? The next time you come in here and ask for vegetables, I'm going to take a hammer and I'm going to nail your ears to the floor!'

The next day, the rabbit was in the butcher's shop again.
'Good morning!' he said. 'Do have any nails?'
'No,' said the butcher, 'I don't have any nails.'
'Do you have a hammer?' asked the rabbit.
'No, I don't,' the butcher replied.
'Good,' said the rabbit, 'Then can I have some carrots, please?'

Random Fun and Funny facts

1. Having mucus in your nose actually helps you fight germs.
2. The germs stick to the mucus so when you sneeze or blow your nose, the mucus comes out, releasing the germs.

3. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
4. A snail can sleep for three years.
5. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
6. Butterflies taste with their feet.
7. There are 300 distinct different types of honey.
8. There are 1,792 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower.
9. All porcupines float in water.
10. Pearls melt in vinegar.
11. Marilyn Monroe had eleven toes.
12. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
13. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
14. "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
15. A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

Random Fun and Funny facts

1. Having mucus in your nose actually helps you fight germs.
2. The germs stick to the mucus so when you sneeze or blow your nose, the mucus comes out, releasing the germs.

3. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
4. A snail can sleep for three years.
5. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
6. Butterflies taste with their feet.
7. There are 300 distinct different types of honey.
8. There are 1,792 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower.
9. All porcupines float in water.
10. Pearls melt in vinegar.
11. Marilyn Monroe had eleven toes.
12. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
13. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
14. "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
15. A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.